It’s a reality here in southern Italy that when it comes to the daily meals, the women serve. It’s their culture and it comes to them naturally. No one complains about it, aside from the occasional jealous sister bringing a fork to her brother. Not even the overworked mother rolls her eyes or lashes out with a “Get it yourself,” when her husband asks, “Is there any bread?” when within that phrase it’s intended, “And will you get it for me?” But after years of witnessing these little moments at the table, I see what’s really happening. And that is that the women rule. The men may make requests and orders, but the society is essentially matriarchal. “Without a woman the man would be lost,” most people here say. The women are maternal and caring; always ready to pour you a cup of espresso and listen to your problems, pat your head and give you a slice of their focaccia on a napkin. It’s in their DNA to serve, not as a servant, but as a way to show their love. Though it goes against American values of the modern woman or contemporary families where the dad makes dinner, I can see the beauty in it.
Does this infuriate you? Would you do this for your husband/dad/any male? Do you already?
As long as I'm treated like a princess in every other way, I'd gladly serve my man his food and make sure he was well fed. Besides, the best girl talk always happens in the kitchen. I know, I sounds outdated, but it's so true.
ReplyDeleteI think here in Malta its kind of the same. Women do it all. But I'm affraid I'm more to the North American mindset being Canadian and all. In our house we share the responsibility of cooking. We both work full time and even though I still do most of the cooking (and all the cleaning) I do try to get my husband to cook at least a couple times a week. On weekends I dont' care so much because I have the time but during the week, I prefer that we share the duties -even though he somehow manages to rope me into 'his' night and do half the work! lol
ReplyDeleteI appreciate it - I think there are a lot of ways to show love and occasionally I show it in similar ways whether it be making a nice meal or buying my husband his favourite chocolate bar. I could never do it all the time as I think if it became expected, I might start to resent it.
ReplyDeleteexactly, like if someone were to ask you for a present, instead of you just getting it out of your own will.
ReplyDeletethat sounds like a great system! i'm sure if i worked more hours than i did, it would be harder (and i would be more resentful) to do the cooking and cleaning all the time. thankfully, manu does the dishes, though i have to admit, not well. :)
ReplyDeletehaha! yes, it's a nice moment of sisterhood to be in there together. i happen to love cooking so for me it's no problem to be manu's personal chef. :)
ReplyDeletefunny, i was with you as i was reading, but then i scrolled down to the pictures of the guys hanging out at the table and thought, come on! help with the dishes! I guess it depends. If I had a boyfriend/husband/whatever that was working hard and paying for everything and all i had to do was take care of the cooking, that would seem more than fair! maybe more women are working in the US, so it makes more sense to share the household chores here? great post!
ReplyDeleteyes! they look so relaxed right? to be fair, they grilled in the hot sun for hours prior to this, so they def helped with the lunch. i know what you mean, if we didn't work it would be a different story. i guess there are lots of factors to consider! thanks laura!
ReplyDeletethis sounds like my family... my brothers and dad will just sit there with their empty plate in front of them until their wife/girlfriend takes it away. h and i are a little more 50/50 helping each other out and most nights he cooks! (and then i do dishes) i like the thought of taking care of my husband...but i also want to be taken care of :) xo
ReplyDeleteThat literally would kill me. I hate to think that my only role would be to cook, clean and serve the men. I want a partnership, one that involves equal effort. If that means I cook and he cleans or vice versa, cool. But not everything on me. Very interesting and though-provocative post.
ReplyDeleteI actually love this. I think it is endearing. Surprisingly it doesn't bother me at all. I am sure the men help out in other ways---all in all---if it works for their culture, then why not? My husband are not "true" to american ways either. He is most definitely the cook---but I pretty much clean everything always. And I take out the trash :). But, I don't mind at all--he loves to cook and I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteThe women are exactly the same where I am. Maternal, caring and happy to help you at the drop of a hat. It's just in their nature. Even when I thank my boyfriend's mum for her cooking she just swats me away and tells me to think nothing of it, it's normal.
ReplyDeleteThe men in my boyfriend's family like to help out somewhat, but ultimately it's the women who do most of the kitchen-y stuff. Everyone seems content with what their doing. My boyfriend is always the one who slices the pineapple/melon/watermelon though?!! He always gets that job ;)
And when it's just me and him- we cook together. He never expects anything. He's much better than me at cooking anyway!!!
i prefer the men to be OUT of the kitchen! drives me nuts!
ReplyDeletethis is pretty much my real life.
ReplyDeleteMy great grandmother always cooked and served as a way to show her love. I'm used to being the one in the kitchen. I will say though if Mac starts eating before I even have a chance to sit down when I'm the one serving I will lose it, haha.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't bother me at all, really. It's a cultural thing! And personally, I love serving in my home, and won't let others in my kitchen. My husband gets to clean up after the meal (his decision!), but I cook and serve and get everything ready. It's how I show my love, and it's definitely in my nature :)
ReplyDeleteIt all comes down to culture, and I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. Jurg and I also had to sift through these traditional vs non-traditional cultural norms when we were first dating, but now we've found a happy medium. In the Afrikaans culture it's also typical for the woman to carry the bulk of the domestic duties and since moving here I've become less offended by the idea, but Jurgen's also learned to carry his weight in the domestic department :)
ReplyDeleteHow have you and Manu handled it?
xxx
Jenna
in the beginning i was super resentful about it, but then i realized that i actually enjoy cleaning and cooking! it clears my head and relaxes me, oddly enough. he does so many other things, including lugging 12 liters of water up the stairs every week, ha! so it's fine! that's a good point about finding a happy medium. :)
ReplyDeleteright, you seem like a maternal person! i like that! i agree, if you're a guest i want to wait on you, and manu does the dishes too, albeit not very well, haha!
ReplyDeletesuch a good point!! i hate that too, it just seems disrespectful!
ReplyDeletehahaha! :) are you the server in the house?
ReplyDeleteyes striss! it takes manu like 45 minutes to boil an egg. haha!
ReplyDeletethat's so sweet amy! i love that your boyfriend slices the watermelon, haha! that's a hard job in my opinion. :) and very nice that you cook together, it must be fun!
ReplyDeletethat's so great! sometimes i wish manu coked but then i remember that that's my hapy time, when i'm slicing and sauteeing. :) and what a great system you have!
ReplyDeletei'm glad you found it interesting hannah! yes, i agree. everything on the woman is tough, especially if you're not into the whole domestic thing. there are women here who hate to cook and clean and i can tell that they do it just because it's culturally faux pas not to!
ReplyDeletethat's sweet - i knew h would be a helper. :) i agree, we want to feel like they're doing the "i cook for you because i love you" thing too!
ReplyDeleteYou know, it really does not at all. Maybe the idea of this lifestyle is upsetting when displayed abstractly, but honestly? I am from Germany and I think we count as one of the most emancipated countries in the world, even more so than women I have met over here, and yet, I would still like to think that I am very similar to the above. Maybe I won't carry everything after him and serve in all aspects as Italian women may, but I like caring and spoiling my man. There are many ways he will do the same in return, just in a different way, shape or form. I don't think it is bad if it is a way of life that essentially "serves" both parties and fulfills each in their own way! Thanks for sharing this insight, I had no idea :)
ReplyDeleteIt's the exact same way in the South of France and I don't mind it. For some reason it feels natural here, not sexist, just normal.
ReplyDeletethat's so interesting that you do it without even thinking, maybe you have some italian ancestry, haha! :) i agree, most men have their own ways of showing love that are different than ours, and that's a great point about it being fulfilling on either end! thanks so much for the comment!
ReplyDeletethis is how I grew up, being Sicilian though it comes naturally! I treat my boyfriend the same way though and it never feels like a "duty" or "chore." Sometimes I get upset if he doesn't offer to help but then I realize I don't really want his help anyway, I'd rather show him that I love him by making him a meal or cleaning his clothes. Sounds really domestic in America, but this is how all the women I grew up with are. I remember my grandmother staying in the kitchen until everyone had what they needed, then finally she sat down with us. It feels so warm and loving and makes me feel good as it does him.
ReplyDeleteyes and the cook and the maid :)
ReplyDeleteNope. Couldn't do it. Guess it's the feminist in me. I have no problem cooking our dinner but my husband gets to clean up the mess.
ReplyDeleteAnd if he wants something extra like hot sauce or a drink refill, he knows how to use his legs. We also split household chores - yeah I am the only one who does the laundry, but he is the only one who cleans out the cat's litter box and takes out the trash. To each their own!
Waiting on the ones we love....because we love them and ONLY because we love them, is how I have lived my life. In turn, the young ones have learned to take care of the elders. It is not a feminist thing. It is a love thing. Something we need more of. It is never demanded of me, if it were, I would not do it. My Italian friend, Elvi, says that I am Italian. I'm inclined to believer her. I love your blog and am so glad I found it!
ReplyDeleteright, like it's clearly not about the roles, but it's just how they've come to be. i think that since it's that way here i don't take offense to it. :)
ReplyDeletelaura, YES! my grandmother would never come to eat until everyone was served, and even then she was always getting up to grab things for people. it's so selfless and i hope i can be that way for my family someday. that's cool that you're sicilian, so am i!
ReplyDeletei absolutely agree that chores must be split! manu folds his own clothes and irons his shirts (i think because it's still new and "fun," haha) and if i'm not around cooks and cleans for himself. to each their own is a great way to look at it!
ReplyDeletethat's very sweet and i think you're right - we need more simple acts of love and kindness nowadays! thank you, i'm so glad you like the blog! :)
ReplyDeleteHello. I really l enjoy to take care of my family. I cook and do a lot of work around the house. There is only one reason why I do it: because I want to.
ReplyDeleteI adore cooking. And more than that, I like to eat excellent food that I cook.
I see cleaning as exercise. It helps me to burn calories.
My husband does work around the house. We have found an equilibrium that works for the two of us. This is what is important for me.
My daughter studies in Spain. She left in August. I will be visiting her for two weeks and i will spoil her. A lot of her favorites food will be cooked.
From Canada, I am wishing you a good day.
Elise
i think it's sweet - i know it doesn't translate to the american culture all that well, but i get it. in a relationship, i think as long as both partners are taking care of each other, nurturing in some way, it's all good. james actually really enjoys cooking for me... in turn, i take care of packing his lunches for work :)
ReplyDelete